The endless pit of doom
by slinko
Summary: Roy is trapped in a pit and he can't get out! What will happen to him? Will he survive? Find out! Please read and reveiw!
1. The snarf song

**Disclaimer: I don't own fma. Yawn...**

**I dedicate this fanficiton to obeythesnarfs fanfics.  
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** Roy was skipping down the street for no reason other than the fact that he was happy. Very happy. So hapy, that he was singing a little song while he was skipping.

" _Snarf snarf were going to the snarf!_

_The snarf is good the snarf is great!_

_We must celebrate! _

_Aaaaannnnnddddd..._

_Obey! Obey! Obey the snarf! _

_Do de do! " _

Roy closed his eyes and envisioned himself flying through the air with the bluebirds. He jumped in the air and spread his arms out like a bird. However, He did not take off in flight. But, he did not land on the ground imedietly either. He fell in a deep, deep pit in the middle of the sidewalk.

Roy screamed and began to run around n circles claiming,

" The germans are coming! Don't trust the germans!"

Roy then relized that this was not world war two...or was it? Hmmm...oh well..he might as well try to get out of this here pit!

Roy jumped up and tried to grabbed the edge of the pit. Sadly, he couldn't. It was to high up. Roy sighed. Where was a snarf when you needed one most? Oh well...

The next thing that Roy tired, was climbing out of the hole. Unfoutunetly, there were no sticks or roots or any crap like that. Well...there was ONE root...But he was short, grumpy, and smoking a fungus cigar. But that was beside the point. Roy dug his hands in into the sides of the pit and tried to climb. But, that didn't work either...

For the next hour or so, Roy tried to get out of the pit. However, for the sake of the fanfic, he did not. No no no. And he stayed there.

Thus...It begins...

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**People want laughter when they see a show! The last thing they're after is misery and woe! So whether it's muuurder, mahaym or rage! Keep it light, keep it bright! keep it..what's the word? ...**

**Gay? **

**Exactly! **


	2. Envy, the colonel of the military!

Roy began to call for help, and eventually somebody came to help him. It was Envy! splendid.

" Hiya Roy! Why are you in a hole?" Envy asked.

Roy grumbled about not meaning to fall down the hole and then said.

" Will you please help me out of this pit? I'm stuck." he begged.

Envy looked angry. " Why should I help YOU? What did YOU ever do for ME? NOTHING! That's what! Nothing! Zip! nada! Zilch!"

Roy looked annoyed. Envy looked happy. Maes Hughes looked dead. Slinko looked evil.

Envy got an idea.

" Hey Roy, You're the colonel aren't you?" He...she...um...Envy asked.

Roy nodded. " Yeah, so what? My military rank has nothing to do with anything right now! Help me get outta this hole!" He yelled.

Envy smiled evilly. Roy frowned. He seemed to know what Envy was planning.

Envy transformed into Roy and smilled a Roy-ish smirk. Not the Royish smirk! Anything but that! NOOOO!

" Well Roy, I'm off! Toodles!" Said Envy as he skipped away.

Envy skipped all the way to centrel Hq and ran inside. The first person he saw was Jean Havoc sitting around talking to the grim reaper and santa claus.

Envy lifted an eyebrow. wtf?

" Havoc! What rank are you? " Envy asked.

Havoc turned around and looked at envy whom he thought was Roy.

" Um..2nd leuiteint I think..." He replied.

Envy thought for a second. " And I'm the colonel right?" he asked.

" um..yeaaaaahhh..." Havoc said suspisously.

Envy smiled. " Since i'm a higher rank than you, I'm allowed to boss you around right?"

Havoc frowned. " yeah , i suppose."

Envys smile turned evil. This wuld be fun.


	3. Envy has fun

**Disclaimer: moo. i own nuthing

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Roy was sitting in the pit feeling sorry for himself. He sighed. What was Envy doing right now? Would he ever escape? And...o shit...Is that Scar?

Yes indeed, Scar was looking down the pit. He frowned disgustedly. An alchemist!

Scar jumped down the pit and started the chase roy around in circles.

" Stop running! I have to blow you up now!" Scar yelled, flexing his arm.

" Ohmygawd! Leave me alone! I've been stuck in this pit for three hours already!" Roy yelled. Scar stopped chasing him. Roy took advantage of this and began to catch his breath.

"Wait...but it's never stated in the previous chapters that you've been down here for three hours..." Scar pointed out. Roy rolled his eyes.

"So what? Who cares? Are you going to stop chasing me now?" he asked. Scar shrugged.

"Sure. I'm pretty bored with killing state alchemists anyways. In fact, I've always wanted to open my very own cooking show." scar said. Roy fornwed in confusion. Was this really how Scar acted. Oh well...

Meanwhile at envy...

"Ugh! Go away onesong05! You're distracting me!" Envy yelled.

"WWAAAAHHH!" cried onesong and she flew away.

"Anyways, where were we Havoc? As yes. Come on! Up and down! up and down! Hurry up!" said Envy and he kicked havoc. Havoc winced. Envy was forcing him to do push ups with a bucket of squid on his head. Envy jumped on havoc back.

" Hurry up! I'm the colonel here! C'mon! Oh look! It's ed!" envy said, and he stepped off of havoc and walked over to Ed.

" Hi Edward. It's me, Roy mustang, colonel of the military, flame alchemist, hero of the ishbal war." Envy said. Ed lifted an eyebrow.

" You're very egoistic today." He pointed out.

Envy shrugged, " So what?"

" Nothing. Nevermind." Ed said. hee hee! I made a ryhme!

Envy decided to kiss ed. He did this not because he liked ed ( which he didn't, you perverted fangirls.) No. He did this to make Mustang look bad. Ed was shocked. He pushed Envy away.

"ERGH! What is WRONG with you Mustang?.!" He yelled. Envy smirked and walked over to the fuhrer.

Envy flipped him off and walked past. Pride stood there looking confused.

" I'll get you mustang! I'll get you and- Ooh! A pickle!" pride said, getting distracted by a pickle.

Envy smirked and walked over to Riza hawkeye.

" Hey hot stuff. Is it raining hotness in here or is that just you?" He said. Riza paused for a minute and then.

Envy was running away from the bullets, if Riza hit him and he didn't die, she would know he was Envy. Maybe he should've thought this out some more.

" Hide in here" suggested Jonathan teatime as he gestered to under a table. Riza, being ignorrant as she is, didn't notice this and she acidentally ran off a cliff and died.

Envy began to try and think of more ways to destryo roys life...hmmm...ah ha!

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**Yup. I updated. Envy is mean to Roy. And scar has always wanted to host his very own cooking show.**

**Reveiw!**


	4. Scars cooking show

(camera zooms in on Scar and Roy at a cooking counter. They are wearing funny aprons that say "knife-wrench")

Roy: What'll we be making today Scar?

Scar: Today we're cooking some delicious cabbage surprise!

Roy: Sounds horrible!

(laughter)

Scar: It is!

(laughter)

Scar: no seriously. Anyways, the ingredients are...a-hem...

1 pound of ground beef (yummy)!

1 large onion, chopped (Ogres are like onions!)

1/2 bell pepper, chopped (Yellow peppers work too!)

6 teaspoons of garlic, chopped (to repel vampires!)

(laughter!)

1 teaspoon of salt ( Good ol' sodium!)

1/2 teaspoon of pepper ( Uh...ch-ch-ch chia!)

1/2 teaspoon of oregano (whats oregano?)

18 ounces of can Rotel tomatoes with green chives (ch-ch-ch-chives!)

One 8 ounce can of can tomato sauce ( mmmm...sauce...)

1/2 cup of raw rice (RAW.)

1 Cabbage (about 2 lb.), shredded (moo)

1 cup of grated American or Cheddar cheese ( cheese is GRATE! Oh god...)

Scar: Okay! Now you fry together the first 7 ingredients after mixing them up and stuff in a small amount of oil.

Roy: Can I lick the spoon?

Scar: no. No spoon licking for you Roy.

Roy: cries

Scar: The next step is to remove the crap from the fire like device and set it aside. Then you must lick the floor.

(laughter)

Roy: Yay! licks floor but then realizes that it's dirt Eww...

(laughter)

Scar: right...ANYWAYS, moving on...Mix the next 3 ingredients (tomatoes, tomato sauce, and rice) together thoroughly in a bowl and set them aside for a while.

Roy does this But sticks his finger in and eats a tomato

(laughter)

Scar smacks him with a spatula

(laughter)

Scar: Now then... Shred the cabbage and set it aside; Then cut the cheese.

Roy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Scar: (sighs) GRATE the cheese. hits roy with spatula

(laughter)

Scar: anywho, mix all the fried ingredients together with tomatoes and rice mixture reeeeeaaaal good.

Roy: Well. Real well.

(laughter)

Scar: What the hell is up with the laugh track?

(laughter)

Scar: SHUT UP!

(laughter)

Scar: Oh forget it! In a buttered 9x13x2 inch pan, layer 1/2 meat mixture, 1/2 cabbage and 1/2 cheese in it...i guess.

Roy: I like cheese.

(laughter)

Scar: I know you do. Now then... Repeat the layer, ending with cheese and then--

(laughter)

Scar: WHAT THE HELL?!?! STOP IT WITH THE FREAKING LAUGHING!!!

Roy: (laughter)

(scar hits roy with spatula)

(laughter)

Scar: Anyways, cover the pan well with aluminum foil and bake for 1 1/2 to 2 hours in yo' oven at 350ºF.

Roy: (puts it in oven)

(crying)

Scar: Well at least it wasn't the laugh-track.

(Laughter)

Scar:...It makes eight to ten servings...

(roy takes out an already done cabbage surprise)

Roy: WHO WANTS TA TRY IT?!

Random jerk in the audience: I DO!

Roy: Too bad!

Random jerk in the audience: waaah!

(laughter)

Scar: Well, that concludes Scar's cooking show with Roy mustang! Have a nice night!

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**(laughter)**


End file.
